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Akiva Lane
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What can you say about someone who thinks he will make a lot of money playing dice?

He's in a fool's para-dice.

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Akiva Lane
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What time is this?

A quarter after 5.

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Why did Betty enjoy the Uber ride?

It gave her a lift.

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Akiva Lane
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Why was the family alarmed when grandma got up from her rocking chair?

Because she was off her rocker.

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Akiva Lane
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What did the mountain climber call his memoire?

Cliff's Notes.

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How did Beth like her job ironing shirts?

She was ironing bored.

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Why did Bill bring money to bed?

Because he had been sleeping poorly.

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Akiva Lane
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What happens to an illegally parked frog?

Toad.

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Akiva Lane
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What does a snake say when it bites?

Don't take it poisonally.

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Akiva Lane
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How did Bill lose so much weight?

Whenever he was about to eat - he thought of the word 'weight', and it reminded him to wait.

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What are the great-great grandparents of an ant called?

Ant-cestors.

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Akiva Lane
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When Andy gave Meg the engagement ring, what playing card did Meg feel like?

The Queen of Diamonds.

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